On 4 June 2012, the upsetting death of Mr. Trololol hit the world. He suffered a stroke in late May 2012 which led to him falling into a coma he couldn’t recover from, no matter how hard he trolled. Of course, he wasn’t always known as Mr. Trololol. He was a famous baritone singer from Russia before he became one of the most infamous memes known to the World Wide Web.

People might think that this parody disregards Khil’s talent as a singer but when he was shown the video himself, he embraced, saying: “I’m loving it! People doing parodies, having fun. It unites them. The internet can help share happiness.” And essentially, that’s what the ‘Trololol’ song was all about; pissing about, having fun and not taking everything so seriously.

So as Eduard Khil floats his way towards the sky in order to troll the almighty Gods, let us remember him and his happy-go-lucky manner. Troll in peace.

Mid way through a spectacularly boring ‘what am I doing with my life’ type shift at work, I read an article over on our good buddies at Vice’s website about some dude who made himself a makeshift piss dungeon in a wetherspoons in London that channelled unsuspecting patrons piss directly into his face/mouth/ears, which reminded me of something that happened to me in Birmingham a few years ago. However, since I’m nowhere near enough of a hipster to write for Vice I figured I’d submit this to Sick Chirpse, mostly because I live with TimW_Brap and can annoy him constantly until he puts it up, no matter how bad or uninteresting it will inevitably be.

So anyway, anyone who spent their formative years in Birmingham, or anyone who’s ever visited and has bad people as hosts will probably know about a quaint little night-club called Subway City. I’m sure every city has an equivalent; It’s the kind of place that sells face melting alcohol for about 50p a shot, will provide really drunk people with disastrously dangerous poppers for a reasonable price and at any given time will have a 10 man strong group of metal-heads standing in a circle facing each other, occasionally with their shirts off, playing air guitar to Enter Sandman and only pausing to compliment each others moves or to kick newbie 15 year old punx like me out the circle for not nailing the solo properly. I have no idea if it’s still like this since I take every precaution to try and avoid Birmingham like the plague now, but back then it was a real haven.

One particularly neat feature of Subway City was the fact that it was right next to a kind of bridge over a canal with a little set of stairs to the side that was perfect for pissing off if you wanted to avoid wading through the veritable sludge of human waste that unwaveringly occupied the toilet floor inside. You know the kind of stairs that kind of go down and round in a column so that when you’re standing at the top step you’re directly above the bottom one? Kind of like in a castle turret or some shit? Well anyway, it’s at the top of this set of stairs, or more accurately at the bottom of them on the towpath next to the canal that one of the most bizarre episodes of my life so far eventually transpired.

This is the top of the stairs where all the action happened.

It happened at around 1.15 in the morning on a cold October Saturday. There I was, minding my own business, attempting to spell my name in the canal waters beneath me when I saw it, suspended in the darkness below like the moon in the night sky; A mask. Underneath me. Underneath my piss. And we’re not talking your average Tescos £1.20 ‘Crazy Halloween Vampire’ mask here, we’re talking some custom made, guitarist from Limp Bizkit style (it wasn’t him, I checked, he was on tour in Germany at the time), Mercedes-of-masks level shit. Obviously my reaction to this was to do what any rational, considerate human being would do, i.e. shouting “oh fuck! sorry man!” and immediately diverting my stream of piss away from the man with the mask who was on the receiving end of it. What happened next is where things get really alarming.

It moved.

It moved to follow my stream of piss.

This is pretty much exactly what the mask looked like…. Ok so i’ve since realised this isn’t actually a mask, but for the purpose of our story it is.

What ensued after the moment of realisation that he was enjoying it can probably be most closely compared to the epic struggle between a champion angler and the award winning Bass he’s trying to reel in at a big fishing competition, only instead of the fisherman’s line there’s a stream of piss, instead of the fish there’s a HUMAN BEINGS FACE, and instead of trying to reel it in this particular angler was trying his frantic best to avoid the fish/face at all costs, all the while constantly screaming “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!?” at the top of my voice.

It was so upsetting I even considered the nye-on-impossible and potentially bladder infection inducing ‘mid-stream stop’, but luckily the tank was close to empty and I could see he was tiring, so I chose to ride it out and put the whole traumatic experience behind me and go back into the CLURB (intentional spelling mistake) feeling violated.

Obviously I spent the next week recounting this story to anyone that would listen, to varying degrees of audience belief. I don’t blame the haters, it’s a pretty outrageous story to believe and the whole time I was never sure of who believed me or not. One thing I was sure of, however, is that it was over. It was soon to be a thing that happened in my past that maybe someday I’d tell girls about to try and make them laugh or some shit, and I could rest safe in the knowledge that I was never going to piss in anyone’s face ever again for the rest of my life.

I was wrong.

The next week I went back to Subway City because there wasn’t a great deal else to do in Birmingham.

So did he. (or she, the mask didn’t give much away and I’d hate to suggest that only men are capable of enjoying masochistic urinary acts).

My reaction was pretty similar to the last time, only this time I immediately went back inside and grabbed (after washing my hands, you animal) a friend to come outside with me and verify the story. Sure enough, as soon as the piss began to fall, Maskman (/Maskwoman) came crawling out of his/her hole like an intrepid bear cub leaving the den for the first time, to bask in the warm shower of someone else’s recycled alcohol for the minute or so of forbidden happiness they’d been looking forward to all week.

During the weeks and months that followed I think most of the people I know (and a fair few I didn’t) were rounded up and taken to the spot so they could experience first hand the creature we soon came to refer to affectionately as ‘The Piss Troll’, and various missions were undertaken to try and answer some of the unavoidable questions that were bound to arise from a situation such as this. At first, we were far too scared to go down the steps and confront it head on, because let’s be honest, if a person’s willing to enthusiastically seek out strangers to piss on them, who knows what THE FUCK they’re going to do up close and personal, so we started trying to shout down and communicate with it. However it didn’t seem too happy to talk to us, which I think is kind of rude considering it was more than happy to bathe in our piss on a weekly basis. I mean, whatever happened to small talk? It just made a kind of groan, which obviously scared us off from going down there even more.

Ultimately though, I think we all knew in our hearts that it was only a matter of time until curiosity would get the better of us and we’d have to go down there and face our fears, so one night we descended the stairs en masse (for safety, obviously) ready to face whatever we found at the bottom with courage and acceptance in our hearts. Unfortunately, it would seem the Piss Troll was a lot more willing to accept our piss than it was to accept our friendship, because before we’d even made it down to the second level of the stairs it’d bolted, leaving only the smell of stale urine and the crushed hopes and dreams of a group of bemused teenagers in his wake.

I guess we must have spooked him that day because try as we may we would never catch a glimpse of The Piss Troll ever again. One can only hope that he/she found a piss spot as fruitful as that one to lurk under and fulfil his/her questionable desires. Maybe somewhere in the Jewellery Quarter.

So there you have it, there’s a piss troll in Birmingham that wears a mask and lurks under bridges waiting to be on the receiving end of some high quality U-R-I-N-E. Bet you never knew that?

Oh and on the off-chance that the troll itself is reading this, all I can say is; “Buddy…. we’ll always have the memories.”

A week has passed and even us monster hunters at Sick Chirpse still cannot ascertain the true identity of the Brooklyn Beast.

Approximately one week ago this monster was found and pictured by an amateur photographer who was out taking a stroll in Manhattan.

The photographer, Denise Ginley, explained that she was out walking under the Brooklyn Bridge (apparently not looking for trolls) when she stumbled across the half-man half-pig half-dog.

Ginley explained how she stumbled across the beast:

“We were horrified by it and we took some camera phone pictures and then finally we decided to come back with my camera and I got up the courage to climb over the fence and get closer to it.”

I know you are sat there thinking…so what it’s just a bloated fucking pig that’s been fed up on pop tarts – get over it.

It’s not until closer inspection that we can see that Babe Dog in the City has in fact got a couple of toes instead of the hooves of its curly tailed friends.

 If you read up online about the Brooklyn Beast you might stumble across conspiracy theorists who are overly fond of The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles to the extent that they would have you believe that our boy is in fact a giant rat – but i’m afraid he’s no Splinter.

I’ve seen enough Simpsons episodes with the three eyed fish to know that it isn’t a coincidence that there is an animal test centre around the corner from where this bad boy washed up.

Although the New York Parks Department have claimed from day one that it was just a pig they threw out after a cookout and that they just simply “disposed of it.”

The theory that we have come up with in the offices of Sick Chirpse is ever so simple really, in fact, we’ve had this intel from a pretty good source from a place not so far from New York itself, New Jersey in fact.

It’s not by chance that in the same week Snooki has come out with photos of her up the duff that an aborted rat pig dog has turned up on the side of a river.

I’m not actually a private detective but check this photo below and tell me that you can’t make a link between the two.

After all, this fat waste of space must’ve been pregnant with the Antichrist and we all know that in order for that to happen you have to fuck a Jackal or something (please see The Omen).

Follow AMJ on Twitter @amjeezie for latest articles.

Shout to Jack Watts for the tip on this one.

Dubstep producer Dee:See obviously got bored earlier today when he decided to call out his followers with the following statement:

See, the one bit of advice we have for you budding music producers: don’t slag off your fellow producers. Like, you’re trying to build up your network, and you’re trying to get people to listen to your tracks and play them to their buddies, so it’s pretty obvious that you shouldn’t call out anyone else with less than 1000 followers when you were there yourself a few months ago.

It was a troll move you say? How about you learn how to troll before you give it a shot. Check out the Sick Chirpse Facebook page for some prime examples of trolls i.e. ‘Is this the new Hello! magazine’*.

*Yawn.

Here’s the replies that Dee:See received from his fuck-up/troll:

You screwed it bro. Troll or no troll, you shot yourself in the Jap’s eye right there. Good move. *

*Congrats on making it onto Sick Chirpse doh.

I stopped playing Call of Duty ages ago. The reason I started playing it in the first place was because I was bored and depressed and porn wasn’t quite cutting it anymore. The end result was, and is, always the same and there’s never a twist in the plot unless you’re watching some really weird shit but let’s not get into that as I don’t really wanna see you on the news going down for some weird sex thing. So, yeah, I began playing Call of Duty to waste time and to pretend I wasn’t that alone, really, but as time went on I realised that it’s a piss-poor game and is pretty irritating and the end result is – more or less – always the same.

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One good thing the game has got for it, though, is that it’s really easy to annoy people on there. These people being insufficient human beings who didn’t get enough attention as a kid and have now wilted into their teens/early twenties/forties (those are the really weird guys) with a complex burrowed into their shoulders that they’ve got to get attention somehow and this complex has turned into a gaming fetish. So, they play the game until they’re really good at it and know every single map off by heart and speak to fellow gamers over the mic and pretend they’re interesting human beings/gloat in their gaming greed and spout out abuse which is mostly aimed at fellow gamers’ mothers, with the odd gaming-street-jive slung in, such as’ noob’ or ‘camper’.

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The thing is, though, even though these people have dedicated their lives to an unimportant virtual world and they pride themselves on their finger-bashing ability (they’d be shit at fingering a girl, though) and shout out abuse to other gamers, it’s actually really easy to annoy them. All you gotta do is say derogatory stuff back to them and occasionally block them in places or stay in the same place all game or throw flash grenades or follow them around the map, drawing the enemy to their position. That’s what I used to do and I guess I was one of those annoying trolls that everyone hated, and still hates, but I’ve grown up a bit now and I’m clean of Call of Duty and its vices.

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But this guy is a bigger troll than I’ve ever been, perhaps he’s one of the best trolls ever. What he’s done, is record a kid’s voice clips throughout the game and then, in another game, has played the voice clips back to the kid who has – unknowingly and stupidly – begun arguing with the voice clip, so he’s basically arguing with himself. It’s pretty funny especially seeing as the kid’s balls haven’t dropped yet and he’s got a voice like some sort of Scottish human-weasel which you just want to spit at. It’s also pretty sad, though, as this kid is obviously too thick to realise he’s arguing with himself and the gaming world has ruined his chances at life.

Portsmouth Football Club haven’t had much to be happy about over the last few years. After winning the FA Cup in 2008, fans of the seaside club have winced, grimaced and probably stopped supporting the club as they’ve slipped further and further down the Football League, providing football fans up and down the country with someone to have a good communal laugh at along the way.

Finally though those who have stuck by the club have something to make them smile and, as luck would have it, it’s at the expense of their bitter rivals; Southampton Football Club.

‘John Portsmouth Football Club Westwood’ (the guy with the massive top hat who is constantly banging a drum at any Pompey game and yes, that is his real name) was the club’s most notorious fan, until now. Southampton FC recently started development on new facilities for their Marchwood training ground and it’s two of the contractors hired by the club that will go down in Pompey folklore as the ultimate fans.

The video below shows how the crafty builders planted a Portsmouth FC shirt and scarf inside the walls of one of the buildings currently being built at the training ground.

Fairplay to the two or however many it took to come up with the idea, it’s a decent and creative prank. The only problem is the cameraman seems to give a perfectly guided tour of where they are and, more importantly, the whereabouts of the otherwise perfectly hidden bounty. It shouldn’t take too long for the video to gain popularity on YouTube and for Southampton FC officials to be informed. I’m guessing soon after they’ve been made aware of what’s happened they’ll be taking a trip down to Marchwood, getting rid of the shirt and scarf and sniffing out the wise guys who planted it and promptly giving them the sack.

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Members of the Satanic Temple have performed a ‘Pink Mass’ over the grave of Westboro Baptist Church founder Fred Phelps Jr.’s mum. A ‘Pink Mass’ is a Satanic ritual performed over the graves of the dead that turns their spirits gay.

“We believe that Fred Phelps is obligated to believe that his mother is now gay in the afterlife. Further, if beliefs are inviolable rights, nobody has the right to challenge our right to believe that Fred Phelps believes that his mother is now gay.”

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We don’t know much about Satanism but we’re going to take the Satanic Temple’s word for it – having gays and lesbians frolicking above your grave definitely turns your dead spirit gay. Definitely won’t make you any straighter, that’s for sure. So there you go Fred Phelps – your dead mum is a homosexual now.

Seriously though, how terrible a person do you have to be so that even devil worshippers hate you? These people worship SATAN – the prince of darkness, the king of all evil and wrongdoing. And even they think the Westboro Baptist Church are dickheads. That’s how you know you’re the lowest of the low, when even people who devote their lives and prayers to Satan can’t stand you.

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You have to love the Satanists’ head-fucking though; properly giving the WBC a dose of their own medicine. Trolling the ultimate kings of trolling. This Pink Mass works, you just have to take their word for it, just like the WBC insists you take their word on their “God hates fags/fornicators” propaganda.

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The only way the WBC can come back from this one is if Fred Phelps goes and protests an anti-gay message over his own mother’s grave. That would be the greatest comeback of all time and we’d all have to accept the WBC as troll kings, no matter how much we hate them.

My dad played some cruel tricks on us when we were younger. The time we came home from school to find him “dead” on the floor, his eyes glazed over and ketchup smeared across his throat and dripping down his shirt. The time he hauled the entire family to the airport at 5am, only to inform us he wasn’t even going anywhere. Or the numerous times he would come to pick us up from our friends’ houses, only to keep driving 5 metres up the road each time we tried to get in the car, till eventually we’d gone round the block, angry, exhausted and confused. Still, at least he never filmed his pranks and uploaded them onto YouTube for the world to see, right?

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No such reprieve from this Brazilian dad, who wraps a raw egg inside a Kinder Surprise wrapper and offers the deceptive treat to his young son. After some apprehension from the poor kid, and plenty of egging on (pun intended) from his dad, the lad decides that if you can’t trust the man who brought you into this world and raised you up to this point, then who can you trust? He bites down on the egg and almost immediately bursts into tears while his dad roars in laughter, capturing the whole thing on camera and sending it viral.

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When it comes to my own dad and the pranks he played on us, all my siblings and I have are the memories. Thanks to the Internet, this little fella will be able to relive the moment his dad fucked him up for life over and over again. I also reckon he’ll be pretty suspicious of any Kinder Surprises in the future.

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This is pretty awesome and I have to give a shout out to Luke Geoghegan for giving us the heads up on it. And it isn’t just because Curtis Woodhouse used to play for Birmingham City – I didn’t even think he was very good so I’m not surprised he hung up his boots for a pair of boxing gloves, although I am slightly surprised that he turned out to be any good at something else. Anyway, this isn’t about Curtis Woodhouse’s career change (although I’m sure that would make for a fascinating article, not) it’s about how he ruthlessly decimated some guy who was trolling him on Twitter, which is always a completely awesome story.

So here’s what went down. Curtis Woodhouse is apparently doing OK at boxing which is kind of surprising considering he was kinda crappy at football and changed sports when he was 26, as he was the English light welterweight champion until last week when he lost the title to someone else on a points decision. Obviously being a professional athlete on Twitter you’re going to be subjected to some abuse when you lose or mess up and this was no different, with one Twitter user who called himself ‘the master’ (cool name dickwad) @jimmyob88. Let’s take a look at what he said huh?

Ouch! Pretty cutting huh? But I guess nothing that you probably wouldn’t be used to if you were a professional athlete on Twitter. Although having said that Curtis Woodhouse only had about 13K followers so maybe he wasn’t so used to getting trolled. Either way he wasn’t happy. So what did he decide to do? He decided to find out where ‘the master’ lived and track him down and go and confront him. And oh yeah, he also decided to LIVE TWEET himself doing that. Now, if that wasn’t one of the best uses for Twitter since its inception then I don’t know what has been better. Everyone following them both had a great day as they watched the events unfold in REAL TIME. Man, I love real time. It’s just like being actually there, you know?

He started out by trying to find out where ‘the master’ lived via Twitter. Pretty smart:

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It wasn’t long until he had the information and he told ‘the master’ that he was coming round to his house for a brew. At this point ‘the master’ stops trolling and actually starts to back off a bit, although in fairness to the guy I probably would be kinda scared if a professional boxer told me on Twitter that he was coming round to my house, especially after I had just called him a waste of spunk. Check it out below:

I’ve put NSFW but it could be safe because it’s an attempt at some artsy bullshit and not supposed to be sexy at all, I think. Anyway, just when you thought she couldn’t get any weirder, here’s Lady Gaga doing some peculiar moan/mantra thing and just generally being a big weirdo. She’s also completely starkers for a good portion of it.

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Jimmy Kimmel is fast becoming a Sick Chirpse favourite as he constantly seeks to troll dumb Americans about how stupid they are – it’s great because everyone hates dumb Americans so it’s even better when one of their own is actively trolling them rather than some foreigner. It does make me wonder who tunes into his show though if half the population of the country is as dumb as these videos.

This time he’s hit the streets in the wake of the government shutdown (if you need the full story on this check it out here) to find out the average American’s preference for the two health packages that are currently on the table, and which have essentially caused the government to shut down, ObamaCare and the Affordable Care Act. The only problem is that ObamaCare and the Affordable Care Act are one in the same thing, except nobody they ask seems to realise this and they give predictably stupid and cringeworthy answers – it’s great.

Unsurprisingly, most people asked were against ObamaCare and preferred the Affordable Care Act. It’s all in a name yo.

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Messing, or entertaining? This was all in good fun, everyone had a laugh and no pimps showed up with any shanks or anything so no harm done. Just some good old fashioned trolling in the Red Light District of Amsterdam:

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You know who Jaden Smith is right? He’s Will Smith’s son and he’s a rapper, actor and best friends with Justin Bieber. He probably writes screenplays too. We featured him on Sick Chirpse way back when his first song dropped and was actually pretty sick, but since then he’s become even more famous after appearing on Graham Norton and in that After Earth film that nobody actually saw because it looked terrible – whoever released it actually had to hide the fact that M.Night Shyamalan was involved with it on the posters to try and get more people to go and see it. They didn’t and it lost about $50 million at the box office.

Still, it helped elevate Jaden Smith more and more into the spotlight and he’s now almost famous in his own right, aside from just being Will Smith’s son. If his Twitter account is anything to go by though, this exposure to fame at such a young age might actually have driven him insane. None of his tweets seem to make any sense, and some kind of sound like they’re directly lifted from teenage protagonists in Bret Easton Ellis novels while others sound like they’re lifted directly from a three year old kid watching Sesame Street. There isn’t much of a middle ground either, which makes the whole thing even more bizarre.

Take a look at some of our favourites below and let us know what you think, but there really isn’t much to say except for ‘WTF?’. Of course, he’s a 15-year-old kid who’s grown up fast and could just be doing this to actively troll everyone who follows him by making them think he’s a weirdo, but the fact that he’s even doing it in the first place is probably just as weird. Oh, to be 15 again….

UPDATE: It’s also worth nothing that the only person who Jaden Smith follows on Twitter is Bob Marley, which goes some way to explaining all these tweets he sends out that make no sense.

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How Can Mirrors Be Real If Our Eyes Aren't Real

— Jaden Smith (@officialjaden) May 2, 2013

We're Big Brother

— Jaden Smith (@officialjaden) May 4, 2013

Lately People Call Me Scoop Life

— Jaden Smith (@officialjaden) May 25, 2013

I Obviously Wasn't And Even If I Was. Grow Up #CTV2

— Jaden Smith (@officialjaden) July 6, 2013

"It's Your Birthday" Mateo Said. I Didn't Respond. "Are You Not Excited To Be 15" He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered "I Turned 15 Long Ago"

— Jaden Smith (@officialjaden) July 9, 2013

Not entirely sure if trolling interviewees is what this Danish reporter does but he definitely enjoys messing around with Wiz Khalifa here – misquoting his lyrics, confusing him with 50 Cent and insisting Wiz’s hometown of Pittsburgh is in Canada. What a pro.

Watch below:

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A guy called Callum Broom sent this in to us and we thought it was some pretty sick trolling so decided to feature it. It’s just a Facebook status but there’s a bit of a twist to it – it’s probably better if we don’t say anything and let you read it so we don’t give away any spoilers. Needless to say though it’s probably the best way to get your own back on anyone ever, and I totally respect the taxi driver for rinsing this kid and not letting him get away with being a complete dickhead to him. Respect.

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Following Chelsea’s surprise 1-0 victory away to Manchester City, other Premier League managers including Manuel Pellegrini, Arsene Wenger, Brendan Rogers and David Moyes got together and gave Mourinho a call to find out how he managed to pull it off.

‘Mourinho’ is absolutely on fire throughout the entire call, and rounds it off with a hilarious rendition of Pharrell’s Happy (Cocky).

The call and video is courtesy of some genius work from @terrafahy.

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Watch below:

OK I’m not gonna make an obvious joke about this woman actually being a troll because it’s just too easy, but her behaviour might be the dumbest – and also most weird – example of actual trolling we’ve ever come across.

This was because she actually trolled HERSELF by making fake Facebook profiles and sending her own one messages. Insane? Maybe, but it turns out she had a pretty good reason for it. Although you’ve also probably got to add that she had way too much time on her hands as well.

It turns out that the woman – whose name is Michelle Chapman and is aged 24 (yeah I don’t believe it either) and was situated in Par, Cornwall – hated her family so much that she set up fake Facebook profiles for her father and his wife and then sent her own profile abusive messages from them. Michelle would then complain to the police about them – the perfect plan huh?

Well, it almost worked . Her stepmother was arrested and her father was cautioned, as were two other family members. However, some forensic internet experts were able to conclude that the profiles were set up at Michelle’s house (re: they read what IP address the accounts were set up with – pretty sweet experts), so she’s now in the slammer for 20 months and also banned from using computer equipment.

Judge Christopher Harvey Clark described her as ‘wicked’ but in fairness to Michelle it does seem as though she is the product of a broken home and that her father and his wife weren’t exactly very welcoming towards her. She attempted to organise a reunion with her father Roy Jackson who she hadn’t seen for 21 years, but during these attempts they fell out. This makes her actions a little more understandable, but there’s still no real excuse for them.

So, remember to mask your I.P. address if you try something like this again Michelle – that’s if you’re ever allowed to use a computer.

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The perfect white neighbour fight – one guy giving it the constant “say it to my face!” bravado with no way of actually getting to his tormentor and the other guy acting like a complete brat from the school playground.

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Not exactly the height of sophisticated comedy – but it’s funny, and that’s all that matters:

“Gofuckyourself!”

Good for this guy. The only way she could have completely turned the tables on him is if she saw the ad, phoned him up and read out a list of massive spoilers from the show. Definitely would have spelt the end for both of them.

Check it:

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This is one of the dumbest conversations that has ever occurred on Twitter, but the way that whoever runs Domino’s UK Twitter account kind of completely kills it and remains completely dignified in the face of mounting stupidity.

There’s two ways to do social media these days – play along with the trolls or go the opposite way and remain completely dignified and it’s arguably more fun when those in charge play along, but it can lead to trouble and also make the brand look stupid if they’re dealing with a master troll, which it seems Lad Vigo is.

As it is though, he just gets more frustrated as he tries to be more and more outrageous but is just met with a helpful answer of the moves he needs to make if he wants to take the issue further.  In my eyes, Domino’s wins, although like I said it’s way more fun when they get involved with the stupidity.

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.@Dominos_UK HELLO I'VE JUST MADE LOVE TO ONE OF YOUR PIZZAS AND BURNT MY PENIS SEVERELY. PLEASE ADVISE ON YOUR TERMS FOR A REFUND. THANKS.

— LAD_VIGO (@ITK_AGENT_VIGO) February 24, 2014

.@Dominos_UK DISGUSTING FOB OFF,YOUR STAFF SHOULD INFORM CUSTOMERS ABOUT THE DANGERS OF MAKING LOVE TO YOUR PIZZA. WHY IS THIS NOT IN PLACE?

— LAD_VIGO (@ITK_AGENT_VIGO) February 24, 2014

.@Dominos_UK I'M NOT HAPPY ABOUT THIS, NOT HAPPY AT ALL, I HAVE A MULTITUDE OF PEPPERONI PIECES STUCK TO MY BALLS AND MY PENIS IS SCORCHED.

— LAD_VIGO (@ITK_AGENT_VIGO) February 24, 2014

.@Dominos_UK LOOK, I'VE TRIED EMAILING YOUR HEAD OFFICE WITH NO SUCCESS BUT NOW THE PIZZA WANTS TO GIVE ME A BLOW JOB, PLEASE ADVISE.

— LAD_VIGO (@ITK_AGENT_VIGO) February 24, 2014

@indiantank @ITK_AGENT_VIGO It is definitely recommended, as that is not what is expected of our pizzas. We raised them better than that!

— Domino's Pizza UK (@Dominos_UK) February 24, 2014

The conversation between the two then ended, although whoever mans the Domino’s Twitter account did treat us to the following reply when asked how the hell he was able to remain so professional in the face of such stupidity.

@DanielHopper_ You will not believe that this can actually happen. The method of how is usually lost in translation though.

— Domino's Pizza UK (@Dominos_UK) February 24, 2014